Confidence : first tame the saboteur
From many, many coaching conversations, I hear people saying they need to feel confident, they lack the confidence needed to do what they want, live a happy life. Gaining confidence can change everything – and so I thought another blog was in order – and this time looking at it from a slightly different angle.
Listen to this on my podcast.
Obstacles to confidence – are you sabotaging yourself?
That elusive elixir of life, confidence. We all want it, or more of it, but obtaining it can be quite a journey. One that not many have been on and those that have struggle to explain how they did it, if indeed they were successful.
I think confidence is partly elusive as few of us have taken time to actually define what it means for us.
You’re probably reding this as you’re looking for ways of gaining or increasing your confidence levels. So a great place to start is by defining what it means for you.
For me, I guess it’s a sense of ease, a way of showing up and feeling OK with myself. That I can do anything (or most things at least), speak to people, walk into a room with an ease that means I’m not criticising myself, beating myself up, worrying what everyone else is thinking. Just being with a certain ease that is, I guess, a feeling of neutrality on a good day and a feeling of excitement and delight on a great day.
How would you define confidence?
Work out what it means for you.
But this is about you. So have a think how you might define confidence. And what will it be like when you are confident?
Another point to make is that a confident person doesn’t necessarily feel confident all the time. It can ebb and flow, during stressful times for example it can wane a little, if you’re tired or ill, it can become weaker. But, backing yourself up with some tools for resilience and an awareness that it’s ok, confidence can be variable, can help a lot. And this awareness is essential. The awareness of how we speak to ourselves. That inner voice, that we all have, that can sabotage us and much that we do.
Think about this – if your inner narrative is harsh, critical, seeks the negative things, then breaking through it and feeling confident is going to be a big struggle.
Think about this for a moment
Step out of your mind for a moment and imagine someone trying to do something with another person next to them shouting at them that they’re not good enough, will never succeed, will probably fail. Oh and that they look ridiculous in that outfit.
You wouldn’t be surprised then if you heard that that person wasn’t feel very confident in what they were doing. So let’s step back inside your head. The same scenario plays out for many of us. Except that other shouty person is in our own heads. So how can we possible expect to feel confident?
Develop a more supportive narrative
Having an inner voice that nurtures and encourages us will make it so much easier to find that ease. To develop confidence that is sustainable. It helps us realise that we’ll find a way, we’ll be able to cope, with humility, with a level of inner patience. Think of a nurturing and supporting friend and how they want the best for you. That’s how you need to speak to yourself.
This narrative may be unconscious, so it’s helpful to take time every day to tune in and notice what’s going on . I’ve mentioned SNAC before – Stop, notice, acknowledge (with curiosity – no criticism) and change – what would be more useful here? What can your inner voice say that will make your feel more confident?
Where does this narrative come from? Well it may be parents or carers, teachers, peers. A host of ingredients that all contribute to you sabotaging yourself with this narrative. It can be useful to work out where it all comes from, but what is the most useful is to make a decision to leave it behind, let it go and change it.
How can you change the narrative? Work out what it’s saying and challenge it. Ask yourself if that’s really true. What might a kind and supportive person say?
Having high expectations can be good, but shouting at yourself all the way there does not make an enjoyable ride. Learn to coach yourself. Listen, notice and find a more constructive way to speak to yourself. Turn ‘I can’t” into “I can’t YET”, asking yourself “what can I do to move towards being able to”
Learn to accept mistakes lightly and learn from them.
In my other blog where I talk about building confidence – I suggest surrounding yourself with positive, supporting people. This is incredibly helpful. And imagine if you could carry those supportive people around in your head! Change the saboteur to a supporter. It takes practice and focus, but it can be done.
Give yourself a break. Coach yourself towards confidence. Stop criticising yourself.
An exercise – this might help:
Taking your definition of confidence, ask yourself what it will feel like when you are confident. Take a moment to think about this. (Write it down if you can). What will you notice about yourself. What will others notice? What will it be like walking into a room full of people? What will it be like when you wake up in the morning? Go on, do it – getting good at being confident takes practice, just like getting good at most things, and it’s so worth the effort!
Take a mental snapshot of this feeling and carry it round with you in your head. Really get a clear picture – of how you’ll look and feel – think about that easeful smile on your face and that feeling of serenity, of worth on the inside.
Then,
Imagine you’re meeting your future confident self. They’re looking happy and confident, just like you imagined. What advice would they give you now? Remember they have found the key to confidence and know how they got it. Listen to what they have to say.
I really believe we have lots of answers inside ourselves but we just can’t or don’t access them – and this is a good way of doing it.
Write down what they say. Make a screen saver or write it somewhere you will see it every day. You need to be reminded that it is possible and that confidence is accessible and there for you.
Remember, confidence is not something that we can always access, even when we’ve learnt how to get it. But being kind to yourself will help on those days when it’s waning. The saboteur will only make things worse and being aware of its narrative and how you can find the strength to challenge is so important.
Finding your own type of confidence that works for you is essential. Knowing what it will be like when you have it makes it easier for you to know what you’re working towards and will be easier for you to know when you’ve got it. And celebrate every step of the way, knowing that each small step is taking you in the right direction. Forgive yourself if you take a couple of steps back. Learn from it and move forward again.
Get in touch if you’re interested in finding out how coaching can help with confidence building.
