They’re winding you up?
How to deal with someone trying to wind you up
We’ve all experienced this. Someone in our lives, be it family, colleagues or friends even, who just seems to know which buttons to push.
It feels like they derive joy from seeing you get wound up. That smirk on their face! They know exactly what they’re doing.
Or do they…..? There’s a great line which I use – that colleague / family member that winds you up – they didn’t ‘create the buttons they’re pushing’. You have the control over those. They may have no idea that their behaviour is doing just that. OK, so some family members (siblings possibly) know exactly what they’re doing, and that’s a slightly different issue.
But most people do not set out to upset you, wind you up, anger you, embarrass you etc.That smirk on their face? You might just be interpreting it wrongly.
You have CHOICES
You can choose how to respond – you have the control here. Instead of getting angry, taking it personally, can you step back and get some perspective? Why are they having such an influence over you? What’s going on for them? Maybe that’s their behavioural style. Maybe that’s how they are with everyone. It is highly possible it has nothing to do with you. Can you choose to interpret their behaviour differently? Can you reframe how you see it? It is really incredible how somebody can elicit such a physical reaction in us without even touching us – or coming near us even (just thinking about them might bring on the anger!). You can train yourself to think about them differently. Be curious by asking yourself, ‘I wonder why they choose to behave like that?, be empathetic ‘it must be hard to make friends if you behave like that’.
Ask yourself what is it about their behaviour that’s winding me up? It might be useful to read my post on emotional hooks and values.
You can choose to distance yourself
If you don’t have to see them often, if you don’t care about what they think and don’t need to spend time with them, choose to distance yourself. Set up some self protection, some boundaries and avoid the stress of interacting. If the consequences of doing this are all good and not at all problematic, then it could be a good option.
What if you can’t avoid them?
Talk to them
You can tell them how you feel and find out what’s going on for them. Sometimes this is enough and although it can feel awkward or difficult to begin with, if you can agree a way to move forward, things should get better. Don’t expect it all to become easy as there may be aspects of their behaviour / demeanour that trigger you for reasons you don’t understand. Here it’s worth working on your own response, accepting that you can’t change theirs.
What if you are their manager and they wind you up because they’re not doing their work / are underperforming / have a different set of values to you?
A frank, honest discussion is needed with expectations clearly set out and agreement of actions / changes need to be put in place. In my experience, when coaching people going through this, they rarely relish the thought of this conversation. They say it feels confrontational, they’re afraid they or the other person will get emotional (angry / upset) go silent. Cause more problems / repercussions (this is the extreme).
Not saying or doing anything will not make the problem go away and it will probably cause further strife. Other team members will notice, get angry that you’re not doing anything / allowing bad behaviour. It can make the team dynamic change for the worse. And you might not be aware of how you’re coming across to others in the team. If you’re frustrated / wound up by someone, they will be noticing your negative behaviours.
This sort of difficult conversation which may feel like conflict, needs to be had as soon as is possible.
Here are a few suggestions of how to go about it:
Treat them like an equal
Don’t make them feel small. If you’ve heard of transactional analysis and the roles of parent adult child, you’ll know that behaving like an angry parent may bring out the child in them. Treat them like an adult, ask questions, don’t make assumptions, listen to their answers, help them feel heard, show them respect. Make sure they’re clear about expectations and next steps.
Listen to their side
It’s not an opportunity to deliver a lecture. Ask them what’s going on for them, what the reasons are for being late, whether they’re experiencing any challenges that you can help with. By showing interest and empathy, you will build invaluable trust and connection and they’re more likely to want to help you. If you enter a conversation in combative or defensive mode, you’re like to find they shut down, are defensive themselves or fight back
Once you’ve found out that they’re ok and there’s nothing serious going on in for them in their personal life, address the problem.
Importantly, approach the problem (lateness/ poor quality work etc) not the person’s character eg. I’ve noticed that you’ve been late on a number of occasions and this is affecting the team. Working hours are 9-5 and I expect every team member to adhere to this, unless there is good reason. Are you willing to agree to stick to these hours? If this continues, I am going to have to ….. issue a warning, escalate this etc. Saying ‘you’re clearly not bothered / don’t care about the job, you are lazy’ may not have a good effect.
Enabling people works better than than taking away control or power
Help them feel they have ownership around their behaviour and how they’re going to respond. Ask what they think and how they’re going to rectify the situation. Ask them about timescale and how they’re going to show you they intend to meet to the expectations. Again, if you behave like a parent and tell them what they’re going to do, they may respond like a child (or teenager) and play up. When someone feels they have no control, they might be defensive, uncooperative, insecure or panic. These behaviours and emotions are rarely conducive to adult conversations leading to change.
Be fair
Most human beings want fairness and feel strongly when there’s unfairness. If other people in the team are frequently late and never reprimanded, then they will be frustrated / angry etc. What you expect from them must be the same as for the rest of the team. If they have been winding you up, it’s possible that you have been avoiding them / treating them differently / been more defensive etc. They will have noticed this. You are human too and it’s not easy, but step into adult and find a way of reframing the way you see them.
Give them insight
Into your side of things. Let them know how their behaviour is impacting you and making it difficult to carry out your role. Again, keep it away from being personal. Be more general eg I have a challenging role with a lot going on, I would really value your support.
Boundaries and expectations
If you feel someone is stepping on your boundaries, but you haven’t told them what your boundaries are, it’s understandable they will be confused when you get frustrated. Same with expectations. If someone is not meeting your expectations, but you’ve never explained what your expectations are, it’s not easy for them to work out why you’re angry. Communicate your boundaries early and be consistent. Be clear with expectations from the beginning and feedback when they’re not being met. Don’t leave a big gap as you will get increasingly frustrated and they will be surprised when you get angry down the line.
I absolutely get that all of this is hard if someone is winding you up! Reacting viscerally to them is rarely the answer. As Brenee Brown states ‘clear is kind’. Be clear about expectations, how their behaviour is impacting others / the team and what you’d like to see happen. Take a deep breath and behave with logic and not strong emotion. Some emotion is ok / unavoidable, but making it personal is not productive. Try to get insight into their perspective by asking questions and really listening. And if nothing changes, be consistent, set expectations and discuss consequences and stick to them. Stay calm, be the adult, detach from the emotions, stay respectful.
Finally, if you can approach these situations as a learning opportunity, what worked, what didn’t, what might I do differently next time etc, you’ll find each time it happens (and I’m hoping it’s not often) you’ll approach it with more equanimity. Developing a level of acceptance can be useful i.e if you have to work / live with others, you’re not going to get on with everyone, it’s part of the role, this is to be expected.
As Maya Angelou said, “if you don’t like something, change it, if you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
Get in touch if you’d like to discuss any challenges that resonate with you here.
